Tainted
by Inylan Ledding
Summary: [WIP] Angsty analytical passages that reflect on the darker side of JKR's characters. Due to popular request, it's going to have multiple chapters! PG13 for dark, deep angst, 'specially with our beloved Harry. The characters must hate me for this . . .
1. Golden Boy

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any other characters. If I did, I would be filthy rich and I could pay if someone sued me.  
  
Summary: A vignette in which the bitter side of Harry surfaces for a few pages. Very short, very angsty. If you feel depressed, I advise you NOT to read this. This is not meant to be a happy fic, but an analysis of what I think a sixteen year old Harry would be feeling at this point in his life. Set immediately after OoTP.  
  
There are many names for me.  
  
The Boy Who Lived. The Golden Boy of Hogwarts. Saint Potter.  
  
But am I really that pure? That innocent?  
  
I am the Boy Who Lived. Yes, I lived. For what? To watch my loved ones die. To drive my friends to the edge with worry. To put the wizarding world in danger because of my weakness.  
  
What is my weakness?  
  
I feel.  
  
Every single God-damned day, I feel. There is no longer happiness or laughter. My childhood has been torn from me and ripped into pieces, scattered to the ends of the Earth for me to never find again. And what is left in that infinite void?  
  
Pain.  
  
Horrible gut-wrenching pain. Pain that twists my stomach into knots so tight that I spend hours on my knees worshiping the porcelain shrine.  
  
Why do I feel pain? you may ask. It's not a physical infliction, although I have physical reactions.  
  
No, my pain is sprung from knowledge.  
  
Knowledge that no matter what I do or who I love, I put others in danger. My affections become death sentences.  
  
Knowledge that too many people have died to protect me, and more will if I don't do anything about it.  
  
Some may suggest suicide. I've thought about it.  
  
But it won't work.  
  
If I die, Voldemort will kill my loved ones anyway.  
  
No, I must fight him. Even if I lose, I must try.  
  
But no one can come with me. I must do this alone.  
  
All ties must be severed, all relationships broken. My worst enemy must be my closest friend. I can't afford to love more than that.  
  
If I do, someone will die.  
  
I've heard that love can be poisonous.  
  
Coming from me, it is a poison that kills. My love is tainted with death.  
  
Who ever knew that love could be so lethal?  
  
A/N: Told you it was angsty! That's what I get for listening to depressing music again... -Throws in Josh Groban cds- Ahh, happiness.....  
  
Harry: Review it, otherwise I'll have to go fight the Dark Lord, all by myself, without any helpful, uplifting inspiration for more.  
  
Author: Harry, your being depressing again. Go take your pills.  
  
Harry: No. I won't. I'll fight Voldemort without being drugged, and you can't do anything about it. -scowl-  
  
Josh Groban: Alright Harry, time to listen to music again. "All'Improvviso Amore! Come il mare...."  
  
Harry: NO MORE ITALIAN LOVE SONGS! AGH! -runs off to find Voldemort-  
  
Author: Oh well. You know what to do. 


	2. Ice KIng

Hello to all of you that have been waiting forever and a day for me to update _Tainted_. Life has just been too good lately to write angst, but now . . . grr.

Have you ever had one of those weekends when you have it all planned out: time for homework, a movie, a possible sleepover and some great updates for your readers? That's what mine was . . . AND THEN I JUST HAD TO GET A SORE THROAT! And now my mom is all worried because there's a bad case of mono going around school, and I show quite a few of the symptoms. BUT I'm still healthy enough to write, so I'll spend all day pleasing my fans, which

is always fun, and hopefully you'll like it.

Oh, Hermione's and Ron's chappies are coming son. Might throw a Neville in there. Who else do you guys want to see analyzed and angsty? Snape? Just suggest, and I'll eventually get there!

On with the show . . . .

Disclaimer: If it was mine, the HP books wouldn't exist.

Answers to Reviews at the bottom.

Special thanks to Jae, who was one of the first to read this and really encouraged me and pushed me to update. :)

Oh, and there might be more than one chapter posted today, if you're lucky. Ciao!

* * *

I'm a good actor. Nobody knows it, though. You couldn't tell by looking at me.

Why not share my talents? Oh, I do. You just don't notice.

Because my act is what you believe is my reality. And you have no idea how bloody wrong you are.

Yes, you see the smirks and the sneers, the pale boy with alabaster face and silver eyes. Perfect, they call me. The looks deceive you. Just because somebody looks perfect doesn't mean they are. Unfortunately, nobody seems to realize that.

True, I am heir to a family fortune that could easily rival the Queen's. Doesn't mean too much, other than our Gringott's vaults are full. But money doesn't buy friends. It buys allies, agreements, and silence. But not friends.

It's a lonely life, being an actor.

What about family? you may ask. Can't you rely on them?

You've seen my family. If you think they actually _care _about what happens to me, you need help. Lots of it.

So now you'll say to yourself, "So he has a choice. He doesn't have to act all evil and nasty and Mr. Golden Boy of Hogwarts with the Perfect Life can have one less problem on his hands."

You just keep getting wrong answers. Good thing this isn't for a grade: you'd fail. Miserably.

No, as much as I hate most of the aspects of the life I live, I'd rather still be breathing than try to cross my father and Voldemort. They wouldn't be civil about my departure, no afternoon teas discussing the ups and downs but finally letting me go with a reluctant smile and a handshake.

Yea, that's about as likely as Wormtail dressing up in drag and dancing the Charleston while singing, "It's a Small World After All."

Funny picture, but not happening.

No, the words would barely be out of my mouth before they'd _Avada Kedavra_ me. I know too much.

Plus, I'm a Slytherin. Leave the bravery and noble actions to the Gryffindors.

So now, you might say that Draco Malfoy is just a shell.

I prefer 'mask'. It fits better, since I'm not empty. I do still exist. Barely.

But I'm an actor, and now I must leave.

I have a show to do.

* * *

I feel sorry for the characters in my fics . . . they have to put up with a lot.

For those of you who read but don't review, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to read this. I know that for every reviewer there are three more people who read it, and it makes me feel really good. .

For those who read and review, thank you so much! It makes my day to see a review alert in my inbox, and I bypass all other e-mails (except Jae's, of course) to read them!

For those of you who read the first chapter and patiently waited months for this update, I don't know how I can thank you guys. You must all be amazing fans to putting up with my slowness. Hugs!

And to those who reviewed before: HERE ARE YOUR ANSWERS!

Justmebymyself: Thank you! And here's your next chapter . . did I make you happy? .

Moviesavvy: Sounds like you're a movie addict like me! And Josh Groban rocks! What's your favorite song of his? And yes, when I write the characters get a beating. JKR would kill me. X.X

Killer-the-cat: Oh, I love doing running commentaries.

Draco: YES, you do.

WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE?

Draco: You're answering the reviews all wrong.

Oh, and I suppose you know the best way, right?

Draco: Of course.

Fine, you do the next one.

Draco: Shawnacee Marshall: You think Harry Potter actually feels that bad? Come on! He's got great friends, a million and one people watching over him so he'll never get hurt, and the kid is loaded with admirers. What could be wrong with him?

You haven't read the fifth book have you? Otherwise, you'd know that Shawnacee is right.

Draco: Fine then, you answer the rest on your own.

I will. -sticks tongue out at his receding back- OK, next one.

Jae: Eh, we talked about you earlier. Didja get the songbook yet?

Sheepish smile: It's so cool when you can write something so sad and people want more. That's a real big thing with me, sine it's always been hard for me to write sad. YAY! And look, here's more . . . next chapter idea popping into head . . .

Love-ends-with-hope: Poetic and profound? OMG That's . . . . a really, really, really touching compliment. Thank you!

OK, if you're still reading, you have some good endurance. Can't wait to hear from you guys!

-Inylan-

Oh, check my profile for the link to my website, if you wanna go there. _A Note From The Cast_ will be posted there from now on, since took it down. Grr.


	3. Why I Don't Like to Fly

**__**

A/N: Hey guys! I'm back! I'm guessing that I'll probably only update on weekends, at least until I get my laptop back. But good news about the laptop: it was the motherboard that was faulty, so all of my files are still on the untouched hard drive and I don't have to rewrite everything! Yay! This is a day late because of having to clamor for time on the family computer. Yes, the big ol' honking desktop with the monitor that makes everything overly huge. Xx;

Enough of my blab. Here's the next chapter. Try to guess who it is. It's blatantly obvious by the fourth word, so if you don't get it, you deserve to eat flobberworm for dinner.

Disclaimer: JKR owns the Potterverse. I own a pair of purple socks.

I love the library. So peaceful and quiet with all the nooks and crannies one can take refuge in. Here, I can hide.

It's a wonderful place, really. So many things to learn that you're constantly busy. The mind doesn't have time to think about other, more superfluous things. At times, I feel numb, empty, alone. But those feelings cancel out the others, the ones I can't understand.

I'm not the shallow, imperceptive bimbo the typical stereotype of a female teenager portrays. I don't gossip and move from one crush to the next. That might come from being around males so much. They, too, hide their emotions and wear masks. I can see right through theirs. They don't realize mine exists.

Maybe the reason I don't like flying is because it's too unpredictable. The smallest change could affect everything. Nothing is constant, nothing is known beforehand. Everything is done by whim, on instinct. Two things I don't trust. No, I like being on earth, with two feet planted firmly in the grass. I like being grounded. But I don't like watching from the stands.

Maybe, just maybe, the reason I love books and learning and challenges so much is that they are something that I can understand. A hard spell can be mastered through practice, a passage memorized through repetition. So, if I'm the Brightest Witch My Age, why can't I find words for what I feel inside?

It's scary, not knowing what is going on within your mind, unable to decipher the twinges and rapid poundings of your own heart.

So, to those who believe I know everything, you are wrong. I may be able to explain the most complex potion, but I can't explain myself.

I'll answer reviews next chappie. Thanks for being so patient, and lets pray Jae doesn't kill me with the anticipation! Who do you guys want to see next? Chapter . . . 4 (4 already! Dang!) is in the works, but 5 is up for grabs!

Review please! Or don't, but then you also deserve flobberworm. :)


End file.
